My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
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