He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
