Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
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