she looked like the bat from fern gully.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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