There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Randomize
