My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
