I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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