Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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