Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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