I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize