Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
