If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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