I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
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