Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
She's not a foreskin expert like you
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
