i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
we're making bets on your personal life
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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