if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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