dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
