I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
