I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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