If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize