just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Sorry my hands just texted you
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
