after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
