i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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