I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
