3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Randomize
