So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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