i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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