New low: just hacked my moms facebook
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
