the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
