my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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