There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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