I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I touched a dick in church today
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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