Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
