He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
