I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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