Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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