Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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