phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
