There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
