The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
