My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
