did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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