You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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