So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
