my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Randomize
