So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
