for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Randomize
