I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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