is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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