3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Randomize