so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
