Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
