I'm gonna have a badass scar
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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