i just wanna soil my oats bro
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
