batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
