mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Damn victory sex feels great
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
