Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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