No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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