if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
