I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
