he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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