I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
