i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
