Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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